The Real Reason We Struggle to Say No (and How to Actually Change It)

Amira smiles brightly while enjoying the sunshine at the doorway, surrounded by vibrant greenery.

You ever have one of those weeks where everyone suddenly needs you to say yes? The board wants “just one more meeting,” your boss needs “just one more project,” and at home, you’re somehow also the designated driver for a kid event that didn’t exist this morning. (If you can’t relate, blink twice and teach me your ways.)

It’s a familiar feeling. I found myself here, again, sitting at my kitchen table, phone buzzing with an invite to join yet another board. Let’s be honest: if board service were an Olympic sport, women would win every medal and still bring snacks for the committee.

But it’s never just one ask, is it? There’s always more.

• “Drinks this Friday? All the girls are in!” and you’re already calculating how much energy you’ve got left for crowded bars and everyone’s life updates. Is it wrong if my favorite part is when the server finally drops off the check? “Sounds fun, let me check my schedule.”

• The “Hey, could you work the concession stand again?” text for the third kid’s game. You loved it with the first two kids, it felt like you were part of something bigger. By the third (Sorry Aaron, you got the short end on that one), the smell of nacho cheese makes your eye twitch, but you say yes anyway. At that point, my enthusiasm for nacho duty had officially entered witness protection. “Happy to help!”

  
  

Let’s get real. How many times have you agreed to something you didn’t want to do? How often do you end up overcommitted, not because you want to, but because saying no feels…wrong? Like you’ll disappoint someone, or, let’s be honest, because you’ve always been the one who holds it all together.

Here’s the Shifted Boundary™ step that changed everything for me: Pause Before You Respond. Even when the group chat is on fire. Even when you could answer in five seconds. Instead, just pause. Silence isn’t rudeness, it’s strategy. I started practicing it, and honestly, it felt weird at first. But it worked.

So next time that dinner invite hits your phone and you’re already rehearsing your polite “yes,” try this:

• Put the phone down.

• Ask: Do I actually want to do this? Or am I just trying not to be the “difficult” one?

• Take a breath. Because when you pause, you give yourself a shot at honesty. Sometimes the answer will still be yes, because you want to, not because you’re supposed to. And sometimes, the answer will be, “I appreciate it, but I can’t this time.” (Note: No one spontaneously combusts when you say no. I checked.)
  

Let’s not forget the concession stand. With my first two, I practically had a punch card for nachos. But by the third, I realized the only thing I wanted to serve was my own peace. Sorry, team, my nacho days are over. I finally let myself off the hook. And guess what? The game went on, kids survived, and I watched from the stands, snack in hand, not sweat on brow.

So where does this land for you? Is it work, where you end up with the “quick” projects that turn into marathons? Is it the friend group dinner you never actually enjoy? Or is it home, volunteering for one more event out of muscle memory?

Here’s what shifts when you start using that pause:

• You actually get to choose.......Imagine that?

• Your yes has meaning. No more silent resentment.

• Your no creates space. For yourself, for someone else to step up, for you to just be.
  

Try it this week: Next time someone asks for more, one more favor, one more meeting, one more night out, strike out the automatic yes. Pause. Ask what you really want. Trust that answer.

Want a journal prompt, a script for saying no (with style), or just some solidarity? DM me. I’m here.

Keep shifting,

Amira