Friendships After 40. Honest Reflections for Midlife Women and How to Make Peace Either Way

Friendships After 40: Honest Reflections for Midlife Women and How to Make Peace Either Way

Let’s be honest: nobody really talks about how weird and uncomfortable it is when friendships start to shift in midlife. But friendships after 40 come with a whole new set of challenges and realizations. Most midlife women don’t hear nearly enough about this club (that none of us remember signing up for).

If You’ve Had the Same Friends Forever, that’s amazing If you grew up seeing those “same best friends since kindergarten!” posts, you might wonder if something’s wrong with you for not having a 30-year friend group. If that’s your reality, I think that’s amazing and it probably has a lot to do with how you were raised. Some families do everything together and just pass that closeness on, like a family recipe. (My family’s recipe was mostly, “Everyone scatter and do your own thing.”)

My Longest-Running Friendships? Family For me, my longest-running female relationships are my sister (truly a saint…I’m a LOT. No, really. Bless her.) and my cousin. But yes, I do have friends I’ve kept for over a decade or more, turns out, I’m not a complete lost cause. Honestly, as I get older, I care way more about quality than quantity. My very best friend and I have been going strong since my 23-year-old was around six years old, so…that’s about 17 years. Not bad, Amira. Gold star.

I’ll tell you this, though, one of my absolute favorite things in life is to laugh. Like, real, can’t-breathe, face-hurts laughter. That’s actually how you’ll know how close I am to someone: if we can still laugh together, we’re solid. My husband, my sister, my girlfriend Erin, and my brother can all make me laugh like nobody else ever has (and honestly, sometimes that’s what gets me through everything else).

Why Do Friendships Change? Here’s the not-so-sexy truth: it’s not always some dramatic breakup worthy of a reality TV confessional. Most of the time, it’s way less exciting. One of you moves away, and let’s be honest, FaceTime can only do so much before you’re both talking to each other’s foreheads. Maybe one of you has kids and the other doesn’t, and suddenly your daily lives look like two completely different TV shows. Divorce happens, or someone gets a new partner and poof social circles do a little shuffle. Sometimes it’s just a slow fade. You realize you’re always the one texting, or every hangout leaves you needing a nap and a therapy session. Or maybe it’s just life: values change, priorities shift, and suddenly what you let slide at 25 is now a hard no at 45. (Ask me about my tolerance for drama now versus in my twenties. Actually, don’t.)

When Being ‘All In’ Turns Into Too Much I had a friend for over a decade, and I was “all in”, because apparently, my unofficial job description is “Chief Emotional Support Officer.” I try to see all sides, hold space, and be there, which is great until you realize you’re basically a lifeguard in someone else’s emotional pool. Sometimes being “all in” turns into carrying more than your share, especially if the other person is used to being rescued....by family, friends, or whoever’s closest. It got to the point where my husband, who rarely has an opinion about my friendships, finally said, “Enough.” (You know it’s serious when even the spouse is waving the white flag.) I still remember driving out to find her after yet another late-night crisis, and the highway was eerily empty. There’d been a bad accident, and the quiet on the road made me pause in a way I hadn’t before. I remember thinking: "Why am I always the one rushing in, and what is this actually costing me?" Spoiler alert: a lot.

Letting Go Means Feeling Everything (And That’s Okay) Letting go wasn’t easy. Of course there was grief, how could there not be? But, let’s be real, there was relief too. And nobody tells you: it’s normal to feel both. You can miss the memories but not miss the constant drama. You can feel lighter and still a little sad. Not every friendship is supposed to last forever. Sometimes you just outgrow each other, and that’s not a failure, it’s called growth. Friendships after 40 require a new level of honesty with yourself, one that many midlife women are learning to embrace, preferably with coffee or wine in hand.

A Few Things That Actually Helped Here’s what’s actually helped me (besides sarcasm and the aforementioned coffee). First, pay attention to your own energy. Notice how you feel before, during, and after hanging out or talking with someone. If you’re always left drained, tense, or like you’re carrying someone else’s emotional baggage (with no tips, by the way), that’s a sign. After your next friend catch up, try just writing down one word about how you feel, don’t overthink it. Unless that word is “meh”...in which case, maybe overthink a little.

Second, let yourself feel everything about it. You can totally miss a friendship and still feel lighter with some distance. Both things can be true. I’ve found myself thinking, “I miss the good times, but I really don’t miss being on-call for someone else’s chaos.” (My phone battery is grateful, honestly.)

And finally, remember that loyalty goes both ways. Being loyal is great, but not if it means abandoning yourself. Ask yourself: If you were being loyal to yourself, what would that look like right now? Sometimes being loyal to yourself means stepping back, even if it stings. And sometimes it means finally saying “nope” without a side of guilt.

So if your friendships have shifted, faded, or even ended, you’re not alone. Friendships after 40 look different for everyone, especially for midlife women navigating change, boundaries, and new chapters. Life changes, we change, and sometimes connections just run their course. It’s not personal, it’s just real life. (And if you’re lucky, you’ll at least get some good stories, and some great laughs, out of it.)

I’d love to know: what friendship shift has taught you the most about yourself? Drop it in the comments, or DM me if you want to keep it private. We’re all just figuring this out as we go, one awkward conversation and dry-humored reflection at a time.

Keep Shifting-

~Amira If any part of this hit home for you, I invite you to take the next step. Whether you’re ready to set new boundaries, reconnect with yourself, or just want a little more support, I’ve created tools that can help.

You can find my journal, digital downloads, and more here: 👉🏾 https://stan.store/Amiraevolved

If you want to know more about what I do or need extra support, you can always visit: 🌐 www.amiraevolved.com